Last Chance

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke, "Iron this will you and then get me a beer!"

Bubba's got a new truck

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where d'you git that truck?!?"

"Tammie give it to me," Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want... So I took the truck! "

The biker and the doctor

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me."

"Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"

Wheelie Bin

A bin man is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Hi, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the bin man.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realizing the little foreign fellow has misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No ! no ! Mate. Where's your dustbin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the bin man. You're misunderstanding me. “Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?”

“OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the bin man's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"

The Dragon keeper

Once upon a time, in King Arthur's court, Michael the dragon keeper was in despair for he had an unhealthy obsession with the Queen's breasts. He wanted nothing more than to kiss and suck on those magnificent royal mounds. The desire was unhealthy due to the fact that if the King were to find out about his obsession, he would very soon find himself without a head. Either of them.

Desperate, he approached Horatio, the healer, with his problem. Horatio told him, “Give me 1000 gold pieces and you shall have your heart's desire.” Michael told him that if he delivered on his promise, he would certainly pay him afterwards.

So the very next day, Horatio went and put itching powder in the Queen's brassiere. Needless to say, the sight of the Queen itching and scratching her breasts was not a pleasant sight for the King, arousing though it was, so he sent for Horatio, the healer. Horatio examined the Queen and announced that she was afflicted with a rare disease and the only cure was a substance found in the saliva of none other than Michael, the dragon keeper!

So Michael was summoned to the King's court. Horatio slipped him the antidote to the itching powder and Michael spent a blissful hour sucking and licking and doing whatever he wanted with the Queen's tits.

Afterwards, when Horatio approached Michael for payment, Michael told him to get lost, for he knew very well that Horatio couldn't very well tell the King what had happened without getting himself into deep trouble. Angered Horatio went to the King's closet, found his loincloth (that's medireview for boxer shorts to you) and put a liberal amount of itching powder in it.

Once again, Michael, the dragon keeper was summoned to the King's court...

The Beauty of Mathematics

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321


1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111


9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888


Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:


1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321


Mind Boggling :-)

Educated Guesses

Things people say in the courtroom

These are words people actually said in court, word per word, taken down and published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 3
Q: What year?
A: Every year

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This Myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And it what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget
Q: You forget. Can you give us examples of something you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499
Q: And where is milepost 499
A: Probably between milepost 498 and milepost 500

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident...
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the baby was conceived August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had 3 children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death
Q: And whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He's about medium height and has a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No
Q: So then it's possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No
A: How can you be so sure doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nonetheless?
A: Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!

Twenty reasons why English is hard to learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Late Bloomers

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

As kids see the sea

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.
(Emily Burniston age 5)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7).

Classified Advertisements (what the companies really mean)

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the really daring guys wear earrings.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night, some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way!)

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you're old, fat and ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We've filled the job, our call for resume is just legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You'll need to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it!

Working with the FBI

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes, what do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Arthur Mole! He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Mole's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Mole and left.

The phone rings at Mole's house.

"Hey Arthur, did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Another blonde joke

A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes.

She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?"

He said, "Sure!"

She counted and said, "131!"

The farmer said, that's right! Go ahead and get a sheep."

The blonde went and got her sheep.

Then the farmer said, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?" and she said, "Yes."

"Blonde. Now give me back my dog!"

Portrait of a Dad